Changes are beyond control

2012-02-20T12:30:00.001+08:00

You say...
If you step into my life again, I will not be Xin fu.
How do you know if I'm Xin fu if u disappear from my life?

I regretted much. I should have allowed you into my life a year ago.
Bcuz my heart have already made the decision.
But I don't have the courage to allow you in.
Now, you can't and shouldn't even step into my life anymore.
Bcuz you have started a new life.

Remember the time when we quarreled, and I couldn't get you on the phone the next day.
I took urgent leave and cried my way to your house and office.
Hugging you....
I thought I have lost you.
Because I remember you told me, if you have decided on moving on, you will not look back.
You will delete off all my contacts,
Delete me from Facebook,
Delete me from msn...

Suddenly remembering this, I understood that you have made your choice.
But I still secretly hoped that you will look back at me.
Because you still kept in contact with me even though your replies are short and you didn't seem to care anymore.

The right state of my mind telling myself that I should be moving on...
But the other side of it, missing you so dearly....
Hoping that we could still be together...

The struggle.
Between my thoughts..
Do you know I am struggling..?

2012-02-20T10:15:00.001+08:00

I dream of u every night...
Am I missing u too much?
Most importantly, I'm missing u at a too late timing..
I should hv done so a year ago....

2012-02-19T17:15:00.004+08:00

Seriously, I have not put you down.

I know that you had done all these on purpose.

To break my heart,

just like how i broke yours.

Asking me out always, but not committing.

Last minute backing off.

Sounds like me in the past right?

I know you did it on purpose.

You want me to be a fool.

Look at myself.

What a fool I am.

I know its time....

To let go.

These actions clearly says that you do not need me anymore.

That you do not want me in your life anymore.

Blame it on the hurt I have caused you.

I do not long to email you,

to message you,

waiting for your messages,

waiting for your email,

hoping that you will come back to me one day,

hoping that we could start all over again,

hoping that we could meet up soon,

missing you....

Because I know,

what you have done.

You want me to move on.

I know you delay replying me.

Short replies.

Not paying attention to my replies and changing topics.

It hurt me seeing you seems not caring much in your replies when I actually took the effort to reply all your entries.

Its ok.

It is time...

For me to let you go.

I will never feel so much for another man again.

Because you lived deep in my heart.

And because I have no other choice.

You moved on.

I have to wish you happiness.

Even though I am aching inside.

Even though a small part of me is telling me, and hoping that we could have a little more chance.

I thought I have thought it through..

But I still tear..

But my heart still ache...

Writing this entry.

Because I have no choice left.

Because you are clear in your stand that you want me out of your life.

I wish you well...

In all areas..

I still miss (love) you....

2012-02-17T12:44:00.001+08:00

Have you... Forgotten about me...?

2012-02-16T21:36:00.001+08:00

Can u teach me wad shld I do when I miss u...?

2012-02-16T19:18:00.001+08:00

Why..?

Why u left me hanging again..?

I can actually see that u are not v busy..

But u choose not to reply me even when u asked me out for movie.

I have been waiting for your reply since..

But no reply or indications from you.

I miss you... Very much... Do u know..?

2012-02-16T01:36:00.001+08:00

I cried again.

Viewing the photos both of you took.

At this point, I know I have not moved on at all.

You have given your whole heart to her, and I have no longer mean anything to you anymore.

2012-02-15T23:05:00.001+08:00

Why! Why am I still expecting a reply from you even when I know you will not and I should stop expecting.

It gives me so many disappointment...

I can't study well. Thinking about you most of the time.

Help...

2012-02-15T16:07:00.001+08:00

Bf actually asked me to go for u. Since I know you were my happiness and my everything. And I know I still miss you.

But it's too late now.

What for? Since you have already moved on?

Why create another unhappiness?

Why cause unhappiness to you and ur girl now when both of you are doing fine? And when I no longer have a stand in your heart.

2012-02-15T00:19:00.001+08:00

See. I knew it. You went out with her. On valentine day. As expected what. Haha.

I saw from your facebook. She made you a photo frame eh? Yup. That can replace my photo frame that I have given you. Haha.

Congrats to you.

2012-02-14T15:09:00.001+08:00

Why do you always reply me only when I start hating u much?! I feel so unimportant when I wan to put u in my first place. N when I start hating u, u will always magically reply to my email or you will text me. And my heart goes soft once you contact me again.

Is that what we are destined to have? Hate?

I hate myself even more.

2012-02-13T11:24:00.001+08:00

I hate u much.

2012-02-09T12:16:00.001+08:00

I'm trying hard. Serious. Keeping myself busy to forget about you. I'm seriously trying hard...

Do anyone sell any pills or what so that I can forget things I want to forget easily?

2012-02-07T19:24:00.001+08:00

I think. I have lost u for sure....

2012-02-06T23:04:00.000+08:00

那时你说的我们天作之合然后怎么了被时间捉弄了面带微笑的乘不同的列车假装过头了心里满满的苦涩现在你的另一半呢是否会更深刻现在的我却是孤单着一个人当我唱起这首歌我又想起你了还记得那年我们都很快乐当我唱起这首歌眼泪不听话了才发现你是最无法代替的亲爱的你是最无法代替的

2012-02-05T22:16:00.002+08:00

I tried hard...
To forget you these two days..
Doing things I usually don't do..
Reading story books..
Keeping myself busy..
Planning to do healthy things like planning to go for jogs..
But when I read our chat history on msn again...
I cried...
The warm tears roll down my cheeks again..
You had contacted me on 10 May..
And I should not have told you that I am happily attached...
Now it is too late...

2012-02-04T11:17:00.002+08:00

It's the end..
I've cried so many times...
It's time I should stop all these and get over it and move on...
I realized that you didn't want to reply my email..
If I am important to you, you would have replied.
It need not to be an immediate reply.
Or perhaps within a day or something.
But I didn't receive anything for 2 days.
Alright.
I should be happy that you are being so clear that I am nothing to you.
For I have longed for your replies and waited for you.
Its ok...
I shall give my time to those who deserve my attention...

2012-02-03T12:05:00.001+08:00

I love to sleep to run away from problems.

I sleep until I can no longer sleep.
As I am fully charged with ample of rest.
But I still can't run away from problems.
I miss you. Do you know that?

Can zhunzhun get back the family he once had?

2012-02-03T07:47:00.001+08:00

I miss you so much.... That I dream of you....

I dream that you are suppose to meet me..
But you brought your gf along.
It was awkward and luckily I was with a friend.
So I stick to my friend instead of going over to meet you.
I've decided to leave with my friend when you chased up with me.
I had no choice but to join you and your gf's table.
Awkward.
I didn't know what to say...
But your gf seems unhappy, seems like wanting to solve this problems between us.
Deep in my heart, I was half hoping that she would say she give up on the relationship with you.

I seriously missed you.
Do you know that?
I just want things to go back like they are used to be....
I don't mind taking all the blames or all the sufferings....
Just to be with you again....
My prince....

2012-02-02T21:37:00.001+08:00

How much do I wish to call you up and tell you,
"I miss you..."

2012-02-02T18:29:00.001+08:00

If only I were given another chance...
If only I could turn back time....

2012-02-02T08:02:00.001+08:00

Why do I feel so miserable?

I have to remember...

2012-02-01T19:04:00.001+08:00

I need to remind myself.

You are gone.
You are just my good friend.
You are only here to accompany me along before I stand up again.
You are nice to me now out of goodwill.

There's no more love between us.

I have to move on.

Email friend

2012-01-31T12:50:00.001+08:00

We are back to the status of "email friend" as compared to previous when we whatsapp everyday.

Ah Li mention that I had to keep you as a friend.
For you understand and know me so well that having such friends around is good.
Yup. Had added you back in whatsapp.
But I'm sure both of us have no intention to contact each other.

Hope you are doing well everyday.
And taking good care of yourself.

The fact is still a fact

2012-01-29T23:17:00.001+08:00

I asked myself.
Am I being stubborn and throwing small tempers again?
Doing things like blocking you from whatsapp and Facebook.
Deleting your contacts and deleting all your friends that are in my Facebook contacts.
But few days later, I still feel the same.
Still full of regrets.

It didn't change eh?
The fact that things are how they are now.
And it's a fact to us.
In fact I even miss chatting with you in whatsapp.
But I made all these privilege disappear with my own hands.
Driving you away again.
Wondering what you are doing everyday.
Its a fact that I still miss you.
Despite all the things I hv done to drive you out of my life.

I had so much wanted to look out to that window to look at you, at my carpark, below my block, for one last time.
But I was stubborn. I believe I should disappear from your life.
Sat on my bed
Secretly hoping that I could turn back time....

Determined

2012-01-26T08:34:00.001+08:00

It's up to either one of us to be determined enough to stop contacting each other.

I have disabled my whatsapp notification.
So that I would not always be hoping to receive your replies, or be constantly reminded about you.

It is such a torture.....

You look happy with her.
Go ahead.
We shall just be strangers again.

What are you trying to do?

2012-01-25T20:44:00.001+08:00

I don't know what is your intention.
I don't know what are you thinking.

You text me everyday.
You text me sweet SMS regards to zhunzhun.
You can even asked me if I want to create a zhunzhun with you in future.
You frequently asking if I want to meet you.

Yet, what you do is to make me an option.
You ask for a meet up, but went to sleep before I reply you.
You asked me out, and I changed my schedule.
But you have 2nd thoughts thinking that you are guilty for asking me out.
And lastly, I see photos of two of you in Facebook again.
Both of you are very sweet.
Enjoying Cny together.

Wake up Cheryl.
Wake up!
Stop being a fool!
Stop allowing him to treat you like a fool!
Fuck it man.
Why?! Retribution right?!
I know...
Serves me right.
Thanks.
I will not meet you anymore.
I will not attempt to meet you anymore too.

Did u just emo at me?

2012-01-24T00:04:00.001+08:00

I sit silently on my bed.
Not knowing how should I feel.
Why did you reply in such a way?
Both days.
Same thing happened.

Yesterday, you kept asking me when can we meet.
I thought that I could confirm with you that Sunday I'm available.
But I remembered that I had family dinner.
And I told you I can't.
You had immediately assumed that I should be going out with my bf.
And attitude me.

Today, you wanted to meet me.
But I didn't reply in time.
And you attitude me again.

Some things never change right?
=\

I know...

2012-01-22T08:23:00.001+08:00

I know that you went out with your GF.
I know you didn't reply my text cuz u were with her.
Not that you reply slow.
But u choose not to reply.
When you are the one who initiate texting me.
You should have know that by texting me, it will result that I'll be replying you while you are with her.
So this is the outcome.
Not replying me.
I see....
So I am just a spare tyre to you.
Just like that spare tyre that you keep in your car boot.

I guess ven was right again.

Humans are selfish.
Going into a relationships have only 2 outcome.
Either you marry the person you are with, or you break up with that person once you feel it is not working out.
Since you have consider dragging on and see if you guys can work out or not, it means that you have already considered the possibility that in the event that if you guys are suitable, you guys would continue to the next step:
Marriage.
Then you should not have kept me as an option.

I am not an option.

Yet again, you love yourself more than me.

It's time for a change.

2012-01-20T23:31:00.001+08:00

I need to think over calmly.

What TM said might be true.
Guys are greedy and selfish by nature.

I've been very puzzled why are you messaging me everyday since our meet up.
You have managed to make my heart feel injured again.
Maybe all your messaging to me is just another entertainment to you.
It's just another alternative to spend your time if you are not with her or if she is busy.
Or maybe you wanted me to taste my karma.

It's time to put a stop to all these.

I have to be strong.

Good bye beautiful memories.
Good bye zhunzhun.

So many question in my head

2012-01-19T11:20:00.001+08:00

There are so many questions I wanted to ask you.
But I couldn't.

Have you ever regretted being with me?

Do you still have feelings for me?

Would you consider to restart our relationship if both of us are single?

Will your replies be not so distant if there was no 1 year of lapse in between us?

Left hanging

2012-01-19T08:51:00.001+08:00

Ven doesn't reply me often anymore.
Guess he is busy chasing his dream girl.
Suddenly I'm left hanging, struggling by myself.

You whatsapp me again ytd.
Telling me you have fallen sick.
I hope you are ok.
So much of wanting to care for you.
But who am I to do so?
D person that you need would be her right?
But still I hope that you can get well soon.
And be the cheerful you again.

The whatsapp messages sets me thinking.
Your replies seems to fluctuate too.
Suddenly v cute with Zhunzhun.
Suddenly cold with only 1 or 2 replies.
And sometimes I couldn't catch how to reply to you.
Cuz I tried replying to u like d past.
But you don't play with me anymore.
You sound so serious in d messages.
Maybe we don't click anymore?
Do we have no chemistry anymore?
Or is it bcuz u were too tired and sick to reply me nicely?

I wanted to think that way.
But I remembered ven saying that I think things too beautifully.
I think things in a way that I wanted to believe.

I held back.
Maybe ven is right.

What he said was in fact true

2012-01-18T13:18:00.002+08:00

After we broke up a few months later,
I met up with Jeff.

I told him about us.
About so many misunderstanding between us.
How Crystal caused unhappiness between the both of us.

Do you know by end of the day what he did to me?
He forced kissed me.
Then told me he did it on purpose.

I was very angry.
And you know what he say?
He said that if I could forgive him in future, I would also be able to forgive you.

I didn't believe him.
Until recently.

I realized I have already forgiven you.
And wanted you back.
But it was too late.....

I cried again reading this email...

2012-01-18T13:00:00.002+08:00

I found this email that I have forwarded you.
Telling you how I cried after reading this.
And telling you how much I scared am I that we would turned out like this...
Regretting anything that we might do that caused misunderstanding...

---------------------------------------------------

This is for all the single, married, divorced,
widowed individuals, who take life for granted. Please,
read this story until the end, it is such an opener.

You never Know.........!

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking
Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years
with us.
Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother
endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him,
see him through to a university degree.
You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you
could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.
I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a
balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant
greenery.
Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and
started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he
said: "Lets go fetch mother."
Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy
the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me
into his pockets.
Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would
pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender
and beg for mercy.
I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her.
For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living
room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you
young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also
can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the
house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble
away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly
you will get use to it."
Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever
came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her
and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when
I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every
item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get
even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said:
"You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything
would solve it."
There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the
breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the
wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like
the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to
notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it
as her silent protest.
As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from
along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of
that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I
turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time,
mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created
additional
work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags
accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our
house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish
washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to
hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and
"Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room.
Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not
speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child,
tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked
him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you
just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl
however
unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time,
mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very
awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war,
hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.
In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took
on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any
prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily
eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having
failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing
breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way
to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked
me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean
that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on
me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me.
After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have
breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the
breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt
a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing
up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could
not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited
everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying
and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the
washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I
opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us,
then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me
a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For
three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so
furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting
up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep
having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for
food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low
point in my life.

Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and
see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.
Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense
of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't
hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the
possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital
entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days,
but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at
him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He
followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he
doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right
through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a
cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to
my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up
and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and
as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love
couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted
look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That
night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the
lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was
removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took
the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he
really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut
in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting
streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to
clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office
and his secretary gave me a weird
look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in
the hospital."
I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I
found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me,
his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin
face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could
this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word
to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed
to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That
day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus
stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the
countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as
she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I
finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up
that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am
indirectly the killer of his mother.

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong
liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity
and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we
are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in
his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back
in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough
scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at
all.

Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by,
hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we
were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am
like the dead knot in his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass
window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very
lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After
recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood
in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I
have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The
girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby
stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at
me,challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by
one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had
stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside
me.
That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way
to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each
other.
He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned
home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had
returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the
initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I
go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again
every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical
examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting
the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this
baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.
One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The
whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table,
there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without
even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have
gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him,
removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at
me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.
As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you
cannot cry...." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come
out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at
my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled
the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed
my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?"
Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I
could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I
said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the
dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears
wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far
that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how
many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I
would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in
front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget,
ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me,
it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting
for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone
past is gone forever and could not repeated.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some
warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat
anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I
stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of
paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby
will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk
out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's
room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I
kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore
him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is
wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that
last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but
now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off
continuing but I continuously ignored him.
Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products,
children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of
it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use
this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He
has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his
typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web
surfing but none of that matters to me anymore. It was sometime
towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I
screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the
room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for
this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car,
holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow,
throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital,
he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back
of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my
lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?

He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm
eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain.
Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes
tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his
hand.. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto
the floor. I
cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired
eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him,
but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my
body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he
had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a
miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he
first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and
consoled me
saying: "Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his
room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hitsme. Hubby's
cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had
thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote
for our son:
"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you
before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you
will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can
accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy
now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the
possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your
lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's
suggestion....
Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have
accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very
happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves
you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to
primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing
with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the
pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness,
because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival
of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven
me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm
afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to
give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when
are all written on the packaging... "
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son
over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I
want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He
struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in
his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the
button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air
as tears slowly rolled down my face.... A fatal misunderstanding and
the person who loves me the most in this world is gone
forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the
blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having
Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years
with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at
a price, every thing became too late.".......

Until death do us apart

2012-01-18T12:34:00.003+08:00

Remember? I sent you an email sharing this with you. Remember...?

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her
hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate
quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let
her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic
calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me
softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away
the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we
didn't talk to each other. She was weeping.. I knew she wanted to find
out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a
satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her
anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which
stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my
company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who
had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt
sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take
back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly
in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was
actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me
for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing
something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep
and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just
did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't
want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce.
She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal
a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a
month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked
me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her
out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was
going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her
odd request.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed
loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she
has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce
intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the
first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is
holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From
the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten
meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't
tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put
her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove
alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned
on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that
I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she
was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair
was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I
wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of
intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her
life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of
intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became
easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday
workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a
few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my
dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so
thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me.... she had buried so much pain and bitterness
in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry
mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an
essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer
and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I
might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms,
walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her
hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly;
it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I
held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to
school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life
lacked intimacy.

I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without
locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...
I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I
do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do
you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I
said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she
and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love
each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home
on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then
slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove
away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers
for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled
and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

Confession from you...

2012-01-18T12:18:00.003+08:00

Do you still remember?

Being your rabbit...

To let you sayang me...

Care for me...

And protect me...?

Do you still remember...?

劉德華-當我遇上你MV

2012-01-18T11:55:00.000+08:00

Do you remember this...?

Ven's reminder

2012-01-18T09:50:00.003+08:00

I told ven what was happening.
I told him that both of us have our own relationship.
But we still email each other, exchanging whatsapp for the past two days.
And I believe, there will be no more exchanging of whatsapp as I know you replied out of courtesy.
I believe you replied cuz there were unreplied messages.
I told Ven that your email and messages mentioned that you miss the past we had.
You wished that things were like the past.
You hugged me when we met up.
And I was very happy about it.
You mentioned saying that we would never know, we might be able to continue next time...
If we have fate...
Let fate decide for us...

Ven told me,
You might just be missing me as a friend.
You might be just missing the times we had that you had considered the happiest time you had in your life.
But that doesn't mean you wanted to be with me again.
All those that I thought that you really missed me.

I was very heartbroken.
It hit me hard.
That hug might even be the last one.

Can you see me struggling...?

Memories again

2012-01-18T00:04:00.002+08:00

The conversation in the car while my dad was fetching me home...

Mom asked if I know how to ride a bicycle now since I used to go east coast park with you.
I never went to any bicycle riding after we are no longer together.

When my dad drove into my house carpark, and saw paper ads attached to the car's windscreen.
I suddenly remember again...
How we used to go around every carpark and distributing your flyers.
So that you can get more business and feed me more crab.
Remember?

Memories again.
The times we used to go for such activities.
Things we done together.
Do you remember?
I think you do, but it's just a past to you.

Bcuz you have moved on.
Only I am the one going around in circles.....

Changes

2012-01-17T18:55:00.001+08:00

We are still exchanging whatsapp message today.
I'm rather surprised.
As I thought that you will not message me anymore.
But I'm really happy that we did

However through your messages, I could somehow feel that you seems a little different from the way you reply me.

Is it because our status are friends now?
You asked me about the past.
But your replies are different from the past.
Maybe you had changed over the year.
Or is it bcos you have mature over the year?
Or is it bcos her is older than me. Her maturity changed you?

I start to think, if it really happen that we get together in future again, will you be d same master I know?
I start to wonder....

Indirect plead of chance

2012-01-17T08:38:00.001+08:00

Last night when I was looking high and low for my psp, I came across the card you wrote for me for my 23rd bday.

Again you tell me how much u love me.
Wishing to spend the future with me.
Asking to work hard together.
And once again telling me that you had loved me the most.
I felt a pinch in my heart.

Why had I not see that clearly? That you really do love me a lot?
Why did I not listen to you?
To your pleads that you want things to be the same?
That you wanted a future for both of us?
But I choose not to listen.
And I choose to be influenced by people around me.

Friends telling me that you may not love me much but bcos you want to tie me up.
Friends telling me you are older than us, that you will b capable of controlling me.
Friends telling me things you have done to win me back is childish.
Ex telling me a guy who truly love me would not make me cry.

I choose to believe them on how they judge you when I am the one who is with you. I should be the one judging you.
I should have used my heart to judge you.
I should have listened to my heart.
I miss u...

Back to hell

2012-01-17T08:10:00.001+08:00

Seeing your email reply to be that short, not mentioning anything about missing the times with me, I felt kinda sad again.

I think what my mom say was very true.
I love you more than anyone else.
That's y I'm so easily affected by you.

I used to think people who have their mood fluctuating up and down to be weird and felt that they think too much causing themselves to feel so.

But now, my mood goes up and down, without my control.
I could be v happy seeing your replies at a moment, but cried to myself when I see how you don't seems to be missing the past.
And how I miss the past, regretting what I have done.

Since I don't see how I could express myself in the emails, I guess I could only write all my feelings in this blog.

Let our memories b sealed in this blog.

Maybe I should go see a doc?
I feel so depressed. Am I suffering from depression?

Never felt so happy in a long time

2012-01-16T22:42:00.003+08:00

Do you know?
We exchanged whatsapp message the whole day today until saying "good night" to each other.
Its been so long since we didn't do so.
Messaging the whole day.
I was very happy.
Although I had to constantly crack my brain about what to say in order to keep the conversation going,
I am glad that you did not sort of "reject" me by replying me positively.
I feel that I am still important to you. Somehow maybe....
I know tonight has ended.
And we wouldn't be exchanging message anymore.
But I'm still happy.
I miss you very much still.
I'm constantly waiting for your email.
But I told you that if it was a hassle, then you don't need to reply me.
You mentioned you are very busy lately.
I wonder am I being a burden to you by clinging onto you.
Causing you to be busy juggling your work, her, family and have to entertain me.
I hope that you have plenty of rest.
你瘦了。。。

周湯豪-罵醒我

2012-01-16T14:04:00.002+08:00

有的時候很想玩
有的時候只想和你作伴
心情不停不停地旋轉
Oh yeah

就算發了脾氣嫌你煩
也愿意為你接受任何挑戰
要你笑得最燦爛

恨別人管我又愛有人等我
嘴里喊著想自由又渴望你抱我
每次看你難過不管我道歉沒有
心還是會刺痛 Oh~

Babe 能不能抓住我
當我的心被搞亂了
當我又笨得要逃走 Oh~
Babe 從背後抓住我
當我的沖動又犯了
當驕傲把我變討厭了
狠狠罵醒我yeah~
不要放棄我yeah~

有的時候很簡單
有的時候溝通那麼的難
就有沖動調頭不聽也不看~
就算爭吵的話多難堪
最後還是鼻酸又抱成一團
就怕愛變遺憾 Oh~

Babe 能不能抓住我
當我的心被搞亂了
當我又笨得要逃走 Oh~
Babe 從背後抓住我
當我的沖動又犯了
當驕傲把我變討厭了
狠狠罵醒我

有時候真的覺得你比我懂我
不習慣被赤裸地看透
所以才會像個刺蝟激烈反駁

對不起常害你迷惑
對不起又讓你淚流
我不懂我在做什麼

你的愛我都曉得
Oh~ Babe 能不能抓住我
當我的心被搞亂了
當我又笨得要逃走 Oh~
Babe 從背後抓住我
當我的沖動又犯了
當驕傲把我變討厭了
狠狠罵醒我yeah~
不要放棄我yeah~
狠狠罵醒我yeah~
不要放棄我yeah~
狠狠罵醒我yeah~
不要放棄我yeah~

Wondering

2012-01-16T13:27:00.002+08:00

I've been thinking.
You mentioned that you saw a proposal ring that cost around $5k.
I wonder...
Did you went to check on the price in preparation for her?
I got sad.

田馥甄 - 還是要幸福 (官方版MV)

2012-01-16T13:22:00.002+08:00

不確定就別親吻感情很容易毀了一個人
一個人若不夠狠愛淡了不離不棄多殘忍

你留下來的垃圾我一天一天總會丟完的
我甚至真心真意的祝福永恆在你的身上先發生

你還是要幸福你千萬不要再招惹別人哭
所有錯誤從我這裏落幕別跟著我銘心刻骨

你還是要幸福我才能確定我還得很清楚
確定自己再也不會佔據你的篇幅
明天開始這一切都結束

還我鑰匙的備份我覺得再見可以很單純
我甚至真心真意的祝福永恆在你的身上先發生

你還是要幸福你千萬不要再招惹別人哭
所有錯誤從我這裏落幕別跟著我銘心刻骨

你還是要幸福我才能確定我還得很清楚
確定自己再也不會佔據你的篇幅
明天開始這一切都結束

你還是要幸福你千萬不要再招惹別人哭
所有錯誤從我這裏落幕別跟著我銘心刻骨

你如果很幸福半夜的簡訊我就無需回覆
因為你的悲喜已經有了容身之處我也能有最純粹的孤獨

I teared

2012-01-16T03:16:00.001+08:00

Why...
Why did I not treasure u only until when u are gone?
You had kept every single small detail of us.
You even kept the Bangkok ticket that we went together.
But what did I do?
I did nothing.

You were waiting for me.
While I had start afresh with someone new.

Until when I finally realized how miserable I was.
Then I realized your good.

Why? Why my current bf can't help me to forget u?
I'm struggling.
Why whenever I quarrel with him, I had to be d one to give in?
I'll always be the one to go over to find him after a quarrel to make sure everything is okay between us?
Am I the man in this relationship?
Why do I not feel happy in the relationship now?

I finally regret seeing how good you were to me in the past.
But so what now?
You already belong to someone else.
I can't help feeling sorry for myself.

I can't sleep.
Images just kept replaying in my head.
Memories invading my head.

Can someone stab me in my heart?
Let it stop beating once and for all.

I can't sleep

2012-01-16T02:09:00.002+08:00

Do u know?
I was so happy after meeting u.
I couldn't sleep.
How I wish we were still in d past.

I thought that I would miss jojo.
But it seems that even jojo changed. Jojo had new player. A touch screen one.
Got a Bluetooth device to answer calls.
Got a new cushion in d car. While hugging it, I bet she was d first to hug it.
It wasn't d jojo I used to know anymore.
Everything inside seems so foreign.
You even mentioned that you thought of changing jojo.
Things would even be more different by then.

Thanks for your hug.
It means a lot to me too.
I wonder wad was going in your mind when u hug me. What were you actually thinking?
I was thinking...
Can time stop?
Can we go back to the past?
I missed you.

Sitting in d bar.
I nearly teared.
What would have happened if we were still together?

You asked me,
Did I deactivate my fb?
How should I answer you?
Can I tell you that I didn't want to stalk you anymore, seeing how happy you both were.?
But I told you because fb is a distraction.
What a lame excuse.

You asked me,
I didn't watch twilight?
How could I?
Can I tell you how I would remember us watching the show together?
But I just shook my head.
Because I have no excuse for this.

The way it was tonight...
Everything seems just like d past.
Chatting, laughing, sharing.

How good would it be if it is true?
I missed you.

笨女人

2012-01-15T09:09:00.001+08:00

You have already got someone new.
Posting new photos of both of you every now and then.
What am I thinking of having d hope that I could get back to your side?
Only a wishful thinking of mine.
I hate myself.
I feel selfish.
I really hate myself.

笨女人！不要一相情愿的把自己栽进去！

I want to forget you.
Can I?
Can I really just forget the 2 years we spent together?
I hate myself.

What was I thinking?

2012-01-15T08:48:00.001+08:00

Can't imagine I was thinking so much and looking forward to meet you
when I saw your fb photos u have uploaded last night.
At that instance, I can't help but to feel jealous and envy on how sweet the both of you are still.
It also acts like a wake up call to me.
What exactly do I wish for in meeting you tonight?
I know that it would just be a simple meet up, but yet I am hoping for something.
What's all that exchanging of emails saying both of us missing those times that we have spent together in d past?
When d next thing I see is the sweet photos of yours?
Stupid me.
I should just wake up from my dreams.
Now I'm wondering if meeting you was a correct thing.
I should have just ask you to meet up to pass u the book and that's it.

Sun date?

2012-01-13T22:38:00.001+08:00

I'm looking forward to Sunday 15/1/2012.

For wad....??!!

Remedy

2012-01-12T08:42:00.001+08:00

I had not been blogging for quite a few days already.
Not that I have managed to get over you.
But thanks to our exchanging of emails that I felt happier.
And I look forward to receiving your emails.

Sometimes I would think about how we got so far and how we have changed each other to be a better person.
But now you belong to someone else, enjoying and getting whatever that was once belonged to me.
I felt jealous and envy.

Things change

2012-01-02T17:26:00.001+08:00

I guess that is how things take change?

Reading back past whatsapp, it is so similar to our situation now. Just that the tables are turned.
You tried to talk to me, but I gave u v cold and short replies.
Now I tried to talk to you, but you replies are short and feel like some stranger.

I tried sleeping. But wake up after an hour or so and think about you again.

Reading back the post I wrote on our JB trip, I always remember the good times we had.
All of us going in there while you guys top up petrol and car washing. Watching cheap movies and walking around.
I still remember my legs or my life is saved by you.
Remember when we were at one of the shopping centre at JB, Wilson's car rolled out on it's on and nearly hit me while we were walking across his car in the carpark.
If it isn't you, quick enough to pull me away, I would have been injured.

I very much wish to.

2012-01-02T15:18:00.001+08:00

I very much want to meet you.

When I read your email, I was v happy. I hugged zhunzhun and told him: "daddy have not forgotten us!"

I took off for today, in hoping to meet you for dinner.
But I struggled for a bit, and think it might not be a good idea.

I stalked your Facebook for a bit, and realized it was just my wishful thinking that we might have a chance in future again.
Seeing photos that you and your GF, happily enjoying the festive seasons and honeymoon to your relationship, I thought to myself: "I should stop dreaming and give up."

I figured that it will not be appropriate to meet you.
My condition now, isn't suitable at all.
As I'm hoping for something impossible, while your mentality to meet me is just to catch up.

And I rejected you.

My heart hurts. And I went ahead to the post office to mail the book back to you.
My hands were trembling when I'm processing for the post.

Guess you would have dated your GF since I told you I'm not free.

I had closed down my Facebook so that I would not be stalking both of you anymore.
But I still have constant urge to reactivate it to check on how are you doing.

Cried myself to sleep several times yesterday.
Tears just appear themselves.
My family members are pretty worried about me. Even my Sis whatsapp me from Dubai asking if I'm ok.
I love them.

Maybe I shall take a nap now. Maybe if I'm lucky, good dreams will come to me. Being able to enjoy my dream for a few mins is better than feeling hopeless and lost in reality.

Strangers again

2012-01-01T14:54:00.001+08:00

I thought of....

2012-01-01T11:51:00.000+08:00

"I love him not because of who he was, but because of who I am when I'm with him."

I cried at the first look at this sentence.
This sentence was intially quoted from somewhere when we just got together.
I felt that it suitted our relationship. And thought to myself that I would need to remember this sentence deeply in order to appreciate our relationship.
Flashbacks again.
We started out so innocently, so happy. and I simply love being with you. With endless activities lining up, we often felt that we have not enough time for each other.

You used to say, "I dont' know what is your small small head is thinking".
Seriously, no matter how confident I looked, I'm completely messed up in my head.
Thinking of things bits and pieces here and there, but still trying to sound logical and insist strongly on my stand.
That's how we used to quarrel too.
But don't you think the more we quarrelled,the better we get to know wach other?
Well, at least I got to realized it now.

After knowing that you have gotten over me and attached to another girl, I finally feel the impact.
Sadness filled over me.
I felt replaced.
Yea right. I replaced you with someone else.
So it will be natural for you to do the same too and get over me and move on.
I'm happy for you being able to move on. But can't help feeling sad for myself for not being able to move on.
Clinging on the past, feeling depressed over it.

Share a little secret:
I'm very selfish.
At the point of our breakup, I did thought to myself: Maybe I would really want to continue our relationship after my studies. But if I were to find someone better, I might think differently.
Very selfish right?

Now, I'm having problems in my current relationship. And I came to think of you.
I thought of how we would not quarrel over something that I quarrel with my bf now.
I thought of how we would have plenty of programs and activities.
I thought of how you used to bring me to places and explore.
I thought of how you used to bring me for movies and places to eat. Feeding all my cravings.
I thought of how we spent our weekends with our friends, or just by ourselves.
I thought of the supper places that you have bring me to.
I thought of how we would always have plans for festive seasons, and activities.
I thought of how you used to fetched me home from my work.
I thought of how we would go for L4D2, prawning, kite flying, east coast park, Mac, sentosa, changi airport, etc.....

My bf now is completely differently from you.
I can't compare the both of you.
Both of you love me at your own ways.
I cannot expect 2 person to be the same.

I was trying to gauge if I missed you, or I missed the times we spent together.
But I finally know what was missing.
"I love him not because of who he was, but because of who I am when I'm with him."
This sentence clearly explain how I am feeling.

Do you know where I seen this sentence?
It was from a notebook that I used to write about how we started.
Didn't know I kept such a book right?
Cuz I had actually planned to keep track of our relationship and as a gift for our 2nd year annivesary.
But we didn't managed to last till our 2nd year eh?
Looking at my post that I wrote, my heart felt a little ache.

I feel so lonely now. So lonely...

Where's big big hand...?

Goodbye 2011

2011-12-31T13:44:00.001+08:00

I had the most boring christmas eve and new year eve.

I kept myself free for christmas eve in hoping that bf would bring me out. But it ended that I had stayed home cuz bf did not have any place to go. It was a disappointment. Our first christmas eve. Shouldn't he plan something for us or bring me out?

I half expected that bf don't have a plan for new year eve as well. And I am right.
Luckily my mom asked me out, and at least I wouldn't need to spend the festive season at home again.

Everyone is having fun except me.

Disappointed at my life now.

Dead end. Insignificant.

2011-12-26T08:49:00.002+08:00

Call me 钻牛角尖, but I always have this indescribable feeling towards the end of the year. Especially when it was a bad year for me.

Well.
Almost all years are bad years for me.

I never had the chance to sit back and enjoy looking back what had happened, or feel proud about it.

Looking back at year 2010 and year 2011.
These two years are the worst for me (that I can remember).

In these two years:
I lost friends. Good friends.
I gain friendship.
I lost love.
I gain new love.
I lost precious memories.
I created and gain new memories.

I actually regretted what I have done for the past 2 years.
Yes. It is regarding about Crystal and Andy.
I hate people to back stab me, or hide something from me.
But. I regretted treated them so badly and falling out with them.
I miss their companion.
I miss her friendship.
I miss the promises.
Ironic isn't it?

Crystal:
Times we shared.
Up and downs.
Since secondary school.
Times when we had only each other and hang on to each other.
Where's the pure friendship that we had?
Where did all the back stabbing come from?

Andy:
Sweet memories we had.
Didn't we promised to keep them?
And create a future?
When did hiding things from each other started?
We used to have each others only.
When did things start falling out?

I regretted.
And I thought.
Maybe if I hadn't gone back to study, would everything be better?
I really should have listened and not go back to study.
Really.
I realized.
But it is too late.
What is done is done.

Call me a bitch

2011-12-25T08:41:00.002+08:00

Call me a bitch. But. In fact. I felt jealous.
Over the years, lots of things have happened.
I broke up with Andy, got together with TM, and eventually broke up and got together with my current bf.

Recently I heard that Andy had a new gf.
I felt uneasy.
I felt jealous.
I went to stalk both of them on fb. Him and his new gf.
I jolly well know that I should not do that and should stop.
But when I saw things that they do or places that they went that we used to go too, and places that they went that we had actually planned to go, it makes me feel sad.

I wonder. Do I miss him or miss the times we were together?
I feel like a bitch.

Failed my driving!

2010-04-10T02:18:00.000+08:00

Boo! Hoo! I failed my driving! Okayy, I’ll try consoling myself. Its my first attempt! I can do better again next time! Most people fail on their first attempt! Don’t feel sad! =(

I strike curb not once. But TWICE! Gosh! Once is 10 marks. Plus 4 marks for not ensuring safety which comes along if the wheels strike the curb. TWO times, and 28 marks gone! Immediate fail! =( I never strike curb at all during my driving lessons. Why in the hell did I do such a stupid mistake?! Even my instructor asked me why did this happen. Sigh. I looked very sad. So she gave me a few dollars discount for the test. Paid $200 in total.

Headed to Jurong Point to hand up a form for my OCBC debit card, and slack at coffee bean before my appointment to reborn my hair. Its a great deal to reborn my hair for only $65 at Jurong West. The result was not bad. Really straight! Yea, like what you expect from reborn. Overall I’m a happy customer.

End of the day, met bf and his friends for dinner at ECP. As usual, our outings are more to eating, gaming, slacking and monster hunting.

Another well spent day. Not enjoying. But, at least I’m doing things for myself. And not for the company. =)

Thanks those who cared.

2010-04-09T02:00:00.002+08:00

I have never felt so light in my last 1 year plus time. I woke up late, played with facebook. Went for my driving lessons. Met up with PC and others for dinner. Chatted and gossiped. JT & SK was super stressed with china projects. While PC and me was chatting happily about every other things. It made me realised, how harsh the environment we were in this company. We had also predicted that some fellow colleagues would not stay long in this company. Some were complaining, and some were already stressed till their limits. But thanks to the company, I knew so much good colleagues. PC, JT, SO, SK, SH, interns, etc.

I have also taken a few snapped shots of a farewell gifts from my interns and colleagues who I have guided.

Our photo. The 5 of us. Taken before SH left this company. The doll made by Jasmine's mum.

The back of the photo they have given me. With precious farewells.

The doll given by them. Looking at this, reminds me of jasmine. Somehow the doll look so much like her!

Left.

2010-04-08T01:26:00.001+08:00

It was my last day today. There's no farewell for me. Its funny when you are always the one who plans farewell for colleagues when they left. And plans birthday for colleauges who are having birthday. And when it comes to yourself as the organizer, no one bothered. Alright, even though I said I didn't want one. But there wasn't at least a show of appreciation of what I have done for the company for the past 1 year plus. It made me even realised that only I bother to do all the shit stuffs.

Its not that I really wanted to have that farewell lunch from the company. But no one appreciate the hard work I put in. Its not easy organizing lunch in office. Especially when everyone have different taste and budget is like only $50 to claim from petty cash. And any excess to claim from staff funds. And I have to maintain the staff funds to be able to stretch until end of the year. How stressful when it comes to money.

They complain when:

you order the same food over and over again

you order too much food

you order insufficient food for everyone

you order something that doesn't suit their taste buds

People are just so hard to please.

Jasmine brought her camera to work and snapped a few pictures on my last day. I looked totally shag from all the work, but still took the pictures anyway because I wanted to remember the people I met. However, I'm not privilaged to walk around taking photos when I have so much to do. So, only 3 photo. How sad can my last day be? When you gave your everything and in return you get almost nothing.

Shuyi and me. She's a very smart and chatty girl. Look at how messy our hair is. Its like a storm in office! Look at the pile of files on my table!

Jasmine and me. The intern under me. A girl who is very smart. Just that she doesn't speak much.

Sandy and me. The best chatting buddy in office. We can chat non-stop until we did not do much during OT.

I work till 12am on my last day. I was trying so hard to do everything nicely for them. I wasn't that evil from the beginning. Although I said things like I feel like throwing all my things onto the queen's face. Ultimately, those who know me well enough knows that, I would still help. I have a soft heart. No matter how strong I seem, I am still soft on the inside. No matter how angry I get, somewhere in me, still hold responsibilities very strongly.

I tried keying every single entry that I could have into MYOB. As time goes by, I got more and more impatient and keyed in with short forms. I didn't care, I didn't bother. She expected things to be done nicely, but she wouldn't know if I done it half heartedly. Since she doesn’t know much about accounting entries.

Had a huge argument with bf just outside my office. Shouted so loudly at around 9pm that everything could be heard so clearly through the glass doors due to the quiet environment around me. She still had the cheeks to ask what happened. Its cause of you! I had to stay back to finish up all the craps and skipped my dinner. And bf is so angry that he nearly stormed up my office to give the queen a scolding. I prevented that, who knows what that queen might do to bf. Call the police?

Keying into the night, I finally finished with the most basic things and told her that its all done. I don’t care that much anymore. Passed her the keys and security access to our DBS bank.

The moment I left the main door, I felt relieved. Not looking back, I continued walking. Because I know I should not feel any regrets.

I choose to end my goodwill. I choose to rebel. I choose my path. I choose to disappoint her.

Goodbye efl.. Goodbye comfort zone..

New camera!

2010-04-05T02:37:00.004+08:00

Wee! I bought a new camera! Dual screen! Which you can see yourself in the front screen before taking your own picture. Very cool! Something which I wanted. Sometimes, when bf and I wanted to take some photos, we always couldn't get ther angle correct. Its either my face or his face cut off. So which means we have to take a few attempts before we could get a nice photo. By then, our smiles are already fading, or cramped from holding on to our smiles.

Headed to expo with bf and SK for this Courts Fair. Walked around and still decided to stick to Samsung's dual screen camera. I have evrr thought of getting some other cameras which were recommended in forums. Some even said that the Samsung camera is a camwhore's camera. But at the end of the day, I still choose it. Not because I'm a camwhore! But because I still prefer the design, the price and the function. Most importantly, because of the dual screen. =)

After payment and left the place, we headed for some place to slack and play with our psp. At the same time, time to try out my camera! Pictures as below:

Bf while he is driving. Hope I did not cause other drivers to be shocked with the flash from my camera.

Slacking at marina. Taken with flash. Flashed~! =)

Without flash. Look more natual.

Monster huntering! =) Ready for the battle with tigrex!

Me and bf used the front screen for photo taking. Yes, very ugly. Cuz without makeup! Duh! I look like I have not sleep for days!

My character. Waiting for the battle to be over while I take pictures.

Close up on bf while he is busy with his psp.

Another close up shot on bf =)

SK and bf (they are primary school friends to secondary friends till now)

Another ugly photo. I hate to take photo without any makeup. But bf insisted. Reluctant.

I'm starting to love my camera. Never been so fun with a camera. Able to see my own image in the front screen. Seriously I feel that Samsung did a great job! Because this camera suit me so much! =)

Shall learn more about it's features. I shall bring it to everywhere I go! To create memories to my daily life. Since I have always had very little photos, its time for me to start! =)

My life sux!

2010-04-02T17:49:00.000+08:00

I'm unhappy with my life. My life sux.

Work like a dog in a company. Applied leave for driving lesson still expects me to go back to office after lesson or test. Quarrel with colleagues n manager about it. Now I goes to work looking like a zombie. Had to serve my notice even thoughi feel like throwing my
salary into their face cuz I dun even bother to earn such money from them.

Work for a year, but I'm without savings. Asked myself why and it doesn't make sense to me. Then, realized that I've spent it on driving lessons. At least $42 for each lesson. Going to $60 to $70 at times. Imagine all the stuffs I can buy like shoes and clothes and bags. I could pamper myself so dearly with all the money or even buy a MacBook to myself which I've always wanted. I'm also a girl. I love shopping sprees. I love spending. I love being served by others. I love
spurging on things. But I've given up all these for driving. And yet, my skills sux like hell. And my test date is around the corner. And other thing, my instructor is a money sucker. And bad planner. Always missing my slots and keep scolding me. Bloody old hag who scolds me when it's not my fault, or cutting off what I want to say and demands that I listen to her. Hate her!!

School is starting soon and I hope the people I meet inside are nice people. If not my life sux even more.

I'm turning to be student soon. Which makes me a poor student now. I have no income. Unlike I used to be. Earning and spending as and when I want. But I would need to look for part time jobs now. Parents getting older, father not working, family income decreased even more when I'm not working. Couldn't provide me more than school fees. Company offered to have me to work as a freelance for them. I didn't want to. Cuz it's tiring for me to clear their shit when I'm schooling. But I think it's no choice cuz I needed the money. I wanted to go university after poly. I want to strive for a degree as a minimum education. It was my dream since young to go uni. But it all
needs money. I hope I can provide some money from my side to for school fees if possible.

Everything came at once and I feel so negative. I'm exhausted. And penniless. I feel so rejected and my life is no longer in control. My frowning everyday. I feel so sick of it. Are u playing on me?

Can I not go to work?

2010-04-01T17:47:00.000+08:00

I dragged my feet, my mind, my body, my soul to work.

I'll just start my "Yes yes yes, so? And then? I see. Okie."

And get the hell out of the place after 4 days.

我的辛苦，没人看的见。
我的委屈，没人感受的到。
我的付出，被认为理所当然。
我的不满，不能说出口。
我的压抑，只有我知道。

Goodwill?

2010-03-31T17:45:00.000+08:00

Yet again, another person trying to talk to me regarding it. Let them think that I'm a rebel. Let them think I've changed. Cuz it was d company that changed me. I wasn't like this before. I wasn't so demanding. I wasn't so hot tempered. I wasn't so inhuman. I didn't even realized only after my bf told me. He hates my job, hates my company.

The goodwill will stop.

You will feel the pain, when it's ur turn. You may be even more positive to overcome it, but font deny ur real feelings from the bottom of ur heart. What and why I reacted this way cuz of a small thing? It's all accumulative of what I've felt the past 1 year. And it all bursted out. Just the same as why everything bursted out and I got scolded for a mistake. It's all accumulative.

Am I wrong?

2010-03-30T17:41:00.001+08:00

I got scolded today. By the queen of empire. I didn't mind being scolded in front of everyone. I can take it, that my skin is thick enough to take it. But, provided that it's my fault or I should be
scolded.

I'm lazy to even explain why things ended this way. To summarize everything, it's her empire. I finally can understand why our previous staff and interns feel when they left. When they didn't want a farewell in office. When they didn't want to talk to anyone more after they tender. Why they claimed that they learnt how to be fake. Or why they hated the company. If there's 1 or 2, then they might be the black sheepin the company. But it's almost everyone, shouldn't there
be a problem?

To a point, I really want to leave immediately without taking any pay. I don't even care about not earning at all. But there's people who advise me otherwise.

I'm even planning to MIA after my last day. It's not even my business anymore why should I care that much?

The basics was not even met. The basic human rights, the basic benefits and entitlement. How to expect us to understand why this and that is done in that way?

JB Trip

2010-03-27T16:28:00.011+08:00

Yay! My first trip to JB with friends! My previous trips was with my Sis and her bf when I was still in my teens. I remembered that I was told that it's very dangerous and I need to carry my bags safely or else it's gonna get stolen. And I was young and dumb that time. Just follow
them wherever they go. Cute right? Lol

This time, I step into JB with a different me. Turning into someone more matured. Into someone more street smart and out-going.

Took photos with my iPhone during the trips. To past time in the car waiting for the traffic jams. :)

JB here we come! On the way!

Close up shot of bf! :)

SMS while waiting for traffic jams

Close up shot again :)

The 1st Shell petrol station after the customs

A shocked Soon Kiat

Excited for Monster Hunter?

Caught!

Finding the correct angle to block out the sunshine

I'm bored in car.. Traffic jams even in JB itself..

Best shot! Love the strong colours in the photo.

Self shot! :)

Following Wilson's car

Driver for the day! :)

Best vote tourist image for the day! Hahaha!

Saw a pub while driving along a road.

Supper! :) Fat fat fat!

Pump petrol. Cheap cheap cheap!

Wilson pumping petrol too.

Smile Wilson!

There's a stain!

Clean it!!!

Still there?!

Finally the stain is gone.

Scratch & Swirl Remover.. GOOD!

My iPhone camera not bad right? :) I love u, my dear phone. Serve me well until a better iPhone comes along ok? Wahaha!

It will ended well. Home sweet home after a tiring day in JB. :) I hope we have another trip like this again... :):):)

Get ready for school!

2010-03-24T16:26:00.000+08:00

Went to school to configure my lappy. Took leave for the whole day.
I'm now using windows 7, everything free and licensed. Including the
mircosoft offices 2007. Traded with windows vista and mircosoft office
2003. It's a good trade! :) I'm still dreaming of owning a MacBook.
Waiting for my lappy to crash or wait till i'm financially stable and
able. Gonna be out of job soon. No stable income. Need to find a job
real soon!

My goal is setted.

2010-03-23T16:25:00.000+08:00

Wanted to set long overdue things right. But so much interruption
during work. Interns and new staff
Asking me questions. Not that they are irritating me. Just that it's
hard for me to concentrate when there's so much interruption.
Especially when our stuffs are in the mess.

Colleague came to talk to me regarding my studies. Told me that he
find it a waste that I'm giving everything I've earned for a full-time
studies. He mentioned something like he felt that it's only a matter
of half to a year time that I might be promoted to either an assistant
manager or a manager position. Do I smell a promotion? Maybe.... We
can't be sure at all. Moreover, I don't even have the confident that I
can do a great job. There's so much I wanna just ignore at times. But
I can't. It's the responsibility.

He also mentioned something like it's not worth it for me to waste 3
years just to get a local diploma. It's either I'm going to go for a
local degree. Or a private degree. I could just simpliy study for a
private diploma. And I wouldn't have wasted 3years of my life. Sounds
reasonable right? I didn't think that much previously. And now I need
to. And my goal for my studies wouldn't be just to get a diploma.

Now, I must make sure that I get good grades, and head to university.
That's my goal for the next 6 years!

Preparation of my journey :)

2010-03-15T16:24:00.000+08:00

Took 1 day off to settle my enrolment. Went down to poly to hand in
all required documents.

Excited for my new course to start. To start a normal student life.
And of course. To start my dream. :)

I tendered....

2010-03-12T16:23:00.000+08:00

Send in my resignation letter to EC. Feel ever so guilty. That I have
disappoint her in all her teachings and expectations from me. Sad that
I couldn't help her any longer.

Decision is made..

2010-03-11T16:22:00.000+08:00

Woke up. Eyes super swollen due the crying. Mum said, "don't think so
much and don't worry so much. Just accept the course and go study."

Think about it again. And decided to really take up the course. Since
I've wanted it for so long. And wanna just ignore all other worries
and problems.

Felt so much lighter ever since i've made a decision.

Reached home and saw the enrolment package on my bed.

Worried.. Stressed..

2010-03-10T16:21:00.000+08:00

I'm v down. Super emo. So many things running through mind. Have not
made any decision yet. Spoken to mum. Worried about lots of stuffs.
Quarrel with bf. Cuz I couldn't express my concerns that I have and
felt that he didn't understand me. Cried all the way to sleep. Cried
loudly. And very sadly. The last time that I've cried so badly? I
can't even remember when

Hard Decision

2010-03-09T16:13:00.001+08:00

Spoke to my manger on my enrolment. She felt that I should take a private dip
instead. Pointed out that I'm not young. By the time I graduate, i'm
26, competing with the juniors that graduate the same time as me.
Pointed out that my parents are getting old to support me in my
studies. Pointed that I do not have enough savings to support myself
till I graduate.

Emo.... Cried during the discussion. Felt that why is it so unfair.
That poly only accept me when I have given up hope. And put me in such
a difficult position. To choose a difficult decision. Either way, it's
still a risk. And either way, I have to give up something.

Long lost dream

2010-03-08T16:09:00.002+08:00

Omg! Poly offered me a course!!! Yipee! My long dream is coming true!!

......

However.... It's RP. Dip in business information system. In layman term, it's just
business IT. Sigh. Poly, not very recognized compared to all other
poly. Cert, not even a popular or good cert. Duration, 3 years. By
then I'm 26 years old? Career, have to give up? Sigh. How? Should take
up or not...?

Friday night, random outing

2010-03-06T08:20:00.001+08:00

Last blog on..... Very long ago? Been busy again. Like Wanqi said, I'm always busy as usual. But at times, I feel that I have lots of time on hand. Just that I don't utilize it properly. Or no? I don't have the stamina to have full of activities for a full day. I have limitations! Maybe I really should go for a regular execise. But I want companion. And it's nt easy to find someone with the same pace at me and stays near me too.

I've got my iPhone! Just 2 days before the lunar new year.

Love it till now! It is such an entertainment phone and it serve all the apps that are so useful and fun. Can't imagine myself without it! I'm totally dependent on it already. The only down point is the receiption, battery life, and camera.

Anyhow, I still tried taking some pictures using it and would try to blog more often! I have free usage of 12gb data plan, yet I've not even hit 100mb? No, it's not even 50mb!!

It's a little boring when you frequent some places too often. Especially you go to the same places at almost d same timing always.

Bf brought me to Liang court for dinner. Initially wanting to give me surprise. Buy I'm too smart! Haa! Maybe I should mellow down and let someone surprise me. Okie, not too much of a WOW! But at least a whaaa. :) (it's the effort he puts in that is important.)

Bf acting cute.....

My plate of dinner. Don't look appealing. But it taste really good! I finished the whole plate!

Lastly, a big WOWW to my bf......... Taa-dangg..!

Mentioned to him to buy me gummy bears from a particular place and particular brand, he really got it for me! Love it! I'm gonna bring it out everywhere I go! Hee. Another happy night for me!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

On the Verge

2009-10-08T20:12:00.002+08:00

I think in time to come, he's gonna give up on me.
Am I that bad?
Maybe I am.
Maybe I'm a person that is not worth of any love.
And come t think of it,
What is love actually?

I have been dreaming of him leaving me.
Is it a sign?
My heart is weak.

Am sad. Am affected. Am lost.

2009-09-16T21:50:00.002+08:00

Things that I choose not to see.
Things that I choose not to be bothered with.
Things that I choose to close one eye at.
Things that tried to endure.
Things that I wish its not happening.

But it happened.

I saw RO at my office bus stop today. Was quite happy to see her. After she left the company due to her pregnancy, office have been pretty quiet.No chitty chatty, but more of sounds from everyone's typing on the keyboard. Casual chat with her, asking why is she happen to be at the office bus stop. Told me that she's collecting something from them. I was wondering who was the them, and why not go up and collect if she have left some stuff behind. We would all be delighted to see her.

Soon enough, almost all of the girls from our office head out to the bus stop. Hugging her and they all left in a rush chasing to board the same bus together when all of them live at different location in Singapore. Okie. Now i understand. They had actually planned to have a farewell together without the rest of us (which is only me, JT, EC and PC)..

I have gotten 2 pay raise since working at this company. Though the raise wasn't much. But it really shows the appreciation from my manager. I know she's the one who proposed it. I can see she thinks highly of me.

My career path was even planned out by her. From a junior staff, she plans and draws my career beautifully, leaving me to put the pieces together. From admin and finance assistant, to executive, to eventually handling the daily operations.

Who gets such an opportunity at such a young age? Out of 10, there may not have another chance. I'm only 22. Most people at such a age is only a junior assistant, and gain status after few years down the road. Or maybe at some retail shop doing retail sales.

But being in this position, is not easy. You either get misunderstood or people outcast you. Office politics. I just feel the pinch today.

People start seeing me as a management level, discussions and meetings with the management people. So colleagues do not sit with you at lunch. Colleagues do not chat with you much. Just formal questions and answers. Colleagues do not invite you for gathering.

I'm not those ambitious kind who wants people to respect me. Or be under me. I do not want. I work hard, cuz I wanted recognition. That I'm capable. That without a cert, I am also capable. I'm not handicap just because I hate to study. Just because I am without a cert. I wanted to learn new things. I wanted to try everything I could in this life. We only life once. I wanted to get to a level where some other people might not have this kind of opportunity. And I also do like to help people.

But I guess it ended up that I look like a boot licker. Or maybe a two headed snake. Or someone who tell tales. Where I am only doing my job. As of what I am required to. But due to the path I am going to, with given opportunity, in exchange what I got is outcast.

Maybe I'm weak. Such a small set back, I'm not able to handle. Did I just disappoint myself? But yes, I'm very affected by it.

There we are, trying our best to plan a farewell that we have missed out when RO left, everyone's reply was they are not able to make it. They are busy. The best part is VO claims that she's having a financial difficulty. Saying that if we need to pay for the farewell, she can't afford to go.

We made effort to plan regardless of our heavy workloads and overdue piles of work. Yet, they planned their own farewell for themselves, out casting the few of us.

I'm stress.
I'm stress from workloads.
I'm stress from overdue work piles.
I'm stress of my boss.
I'm stress of myself not handling well.
I'm stress of not able to cope.
I'm stress that I don't perform well.
I'm stress of not able to deliver what people expect from me.

And this causes arguments and frequent quarrels with my bf.
Having headaches.
Sleepless nights.
Lack of rest.

What's my pro and cons?
I'm starting to feel imbalance.

Old

2009-08-19T22:36:00.002+08:00

I'm getting older i guess.
I get tired easily. Haha.
I've got severe headache ytd throughout the whole night.
Maybe due to overworking and staying up late for the whole week.
Applied for leave for my birthday.
But was questioned by my boss.
I'm starting to lose confident in this company's management.
Sigh...
Can i be a tai tai?
In my dreams..

I'm weird.
Forget about it.

Tough..

2009-08-17T00:57:00.001+08:00

The last time i cried very badly for a deceased was when I'm still in primary 2 or 3.
It was my grandma during that time.
I did not shed a single tear for all the 4 days at my uncle's wake.
My manager had advised me.
That crying will make the people around me who used to be very close with my uncle to feel worst.
He told me, that there must be someone in the family who must "act" to be strong.
He said, if everyone is to cry together, then there will not be anyone to lead the rest.
And he's right.
My mum choose to be the "strong" one.
I did not see her shed a single tear throughout the whole ceremony.
But i know, she hurt the most deep in her heart.
He's her younger brother after all.
Looking at her, i realized that she have aged alot throughout all these years.
She grew thinner and frail.
Wrinkles tattoo her hands.
I know, i'm not being a good daughter.
I ought to stay home more often.
I ought to help out more on the housework.
I'm very fortunate to have her as my mum.
I have decided, to help her with the housework from now on.
I don't know if i can last for how long.
Cuz i'm always protected by my family.
I seldom have to do any housework.
She have done so much for the family.
I love you, mum.

A sad thing in life..

2009-08-15T00:32:00.002+08:00

Thursday. August 13 2009.
4:30pm
I received a call from an unknown number.
I hesitated to answer.
I seldom answer unknown numbers.
"Hello."
"Hello. Ah mei (that's how my mum call me). Uncle passed away already."
I didn't know what to say.
"Huh... Ok... You need me to help in anything?"
"Not at the moment."
"Oh. Ok."
"You get your own dinner tonight. I wouldn't be back to cook tonight."
"Ok."
"Come back then we talk."

We hang up

Tears start to swell up. I cried.
I'm not even close with this uncle. At all.
I've only visited him twice throughout his illness.
But it's heartbreaking enough.
I hated separations.
I hated sad things to happen,
I'm very emotional.

The very first time when i visited him.
I nearly wasn't able to recognise him at all anymore.
He became very thin.
Almost just his skin covering his bones.
No. Not almost. What really left is without any flesh.
He looked so much older.

I didn't know what cancer can do to a person until i saw it with my own eyes.
He cant talk.
He cant eat.
He don't even remember some stuff.
He cant drink.
He's eyes cant even close.

It's a torture.

He's gone now.
Probably to somewhere that he will not suffer anymore.
To join my grandparents.

Life is so short.
Even shorter if you have any illness.

Crazily in love.

2009-08-12T21:46:00.000+08:00

I'm very crazily in love with boyfriend.
His love have craved deep into my heart.
I'm a little fortunate girl.
Most fortunate girl on earth.
Wo hen xin fu. =)
Really.
We have ups and down.
But still....
I really thank god that i've found a really good boyfriend.

Does it work?

2009-08-11T00:43:00.002+08:00

Is it working?
Is blogging from N97 working?
Woot!?

New on the List

2009-06-01T19:56:00.002+08:00

Its updated! With more WANTS! Its FRESH!

1. Laptop
2. Holiday to Taiwan
3. My Own Branded Wallet x2
4. My Own Branded Bag
5. Change A New HP
6. A Makeover
7. Rebonding My Frizzy Hair
8. Change My Wardrobe
9. Digital Camera

I had this very sudden feeling.
That I wanna go KTV with my prince.
But on the other hand, I'm very shy.
I sing very horribly!
What if I scare my own bf away!
OMG! ROAR!

P.S: My computer's card reader is officially down. Sigh. I want my own laptop soon. And I'll be free from these irritating problems....

Guilty.

2009-05-31T13:47:00.003+08:00

The last post I've updated was in March.
And its May now (tomorrow is June already)!
Yea, totally guilty (again) for abandoning my blog up till now.
Can't help it. I was busy!!
Busy with what? Busy with not being able to handle my time well.

Shocking News No. 1:
It was a horrible month for me. And my bf.
We had frequents disagreement and argument throughout the whole month.
We were so sweet before.
Full of sweets and honeys.
Yet the month of May felt heavy with unhappiness.
Where did all the unhappiness come from?
Entering our sweet and happy relationship.

Luckily the air is clearer now,
knowing that we should give in more to each other.
Compromising is the key.

Shocking News No. 2:
My big big hand is a driver now.
Nearly shocked the hell out of me and discovering that he was bought a car.
I was super unhappy about it initially. But I had to suppress it.
I knew it was something he have always wanted. Therefore, I kept quiet.
With myself worrying if he's able to cope with the sudden huge expense.
Goodbye to our nice meals.
Goodbye to spending too much.
Hello to scrimp and save.
Hello to working harder.

So much as I wanted to share his burden,
I'm not of any help at all with the inconsiderable pay.
I'm beginning to wonder if I should get like a 2nd job with is either freelance or part-time.
But I'm doubtful at my own time management.

Shocking New No. 3:
Its my bf's birthday month.
Gave him a semi birthday surprise.
Its a big thing. And I've not planned any one's birthday before.
Moreover, it cost quite an amount. Which I needed to discuss with bf, for approval.
Hope he enjoyed himself for that day.
Will upload the photos here after my com regains its craziness (its not reading my memory card!).

Shocking News No. 4:
I've gotten a pay rise!
$150
Its seems a lot.
But by looking at my total pay itself, its still seems little.
More workload.
Admin, Finance, HR.
Can anyone imagine how busy am I every single day?
So much things to do.
Such small amount of pay.
Sigh......
I'll endure....
Cuz I know, eventually I'll be an asset even if I leave the company in future.
Besides, its just stepping stone for me to save up.
I need savings.
Been working for around 2 to 3 years. And do not have savings at all.
I've been in and out of jobs.
Spending every cents of my savings now and then.
And I seriously regret it.
If I were to stay in any job, by now, I think my pay is higher than what I'm getting now.

Shocking News No. 5:
I've just concluded a list of WANTS:
1. Laptop
2. Holiday to Taiwan
3. My Own Branded Wallet
4. My Own Branded Bag
5. Change A New HP
6. A Makeover
7. Rebonding My Frizzy Hair
8. Change My Wardrobe

Okie. Enough of heavy information for the day. I'd better get something to eat.
Or else my mum is gonna nag at me until I'll go crazy.

24 hrs a day isn't enough...

2009-03-15T12:45:00.002+08:00

I need more than 24 hours a day..!
It's not enough for me!
Or maybe its because I'm bad at planning out my time.

Thing's I need/want/expected to do:
1. Webby design.
2. Meet up with friends (I miss every 1 of them! esp huijia, crystal, lihui and jinxing)
3. Study for my upcoming exams
4. Spare time out for future part time work
5. Spare time out to do social voluntary work
6. Flyer design and distribution
7. Enough time for me to rest
8. Shopping
9. Sign up for enrichment classes
10. Doing well in my job (that includes of having enough time to rest to have a alert mind at work)
11. Not neglecting bf, and maintain going out as often.

Everytime I'm working as a full-time job,
I'm always busy.
Until my body is so prone to get sick
I'm actually super stress can...
Just that I don't talk about it.
For what I feel, talking about it wouldn't help.
Cuz things are still needed to be done.

Recently met up with QB.
I shall give him a nickname of my whining buddy.
Everytime we meet up, we are always whining. About job, life, studies, etc etc...
Whatever that we are not satisfied in our life, we just whinnnn....
But most of the time, I'm not the one whinning.
I'm more of the listener.
That's what ST felt in the past.
She said I'm always a good listener, when someone needs a listening ear.
I used to be good at giving advices too.
But not now I guess.
Maybe I'm getting more and more can't be bothered to give any advice.
Because we are so old already.
Everyone of us past 21.
We clearly know what we should and should not do.
Just that we want somebody to reassure.

These few days, I was quite mean to bf..
I didn't know why.
Maybe cuz of the stress I need to take up.
I seriously need a holiday.

Wishing to travel ........

Valentine 2009

2009-02-17T12:21:00.012+08:00

With valentine day nearing, I was panicky, about what gift to prepare for bf.
Besides, I stil owe him presents.
For our 2nd, and 3rd month (yes, I know I'm very late with my presents...).
And valentine day is around the corner.
And our 4th month falls on the 15th of the month.
Which means.
I owe him a total of 4 presents.

Super panicky.

I didn't want to keep owing him presents.
I didn't want him to feel disappointed, not being able to get any presents.
So, I'm cracking my brain for the past 2 to 3weeks.
Trying to hard to think, with my bird brain, of what to give him.
And I want to make handmade gift for him.
So it doubles the challenge.

Searching through different places for inspiration,
I've the suddenly thought of making handmade cookies.
Something which I've not done before.
I don't like to do anything similar that I've done for my previous ex-es.

Cuz he's special to me.

Someone that my eyes could only see.

Ok!
Time to start work!
Finding recepies online.
Going to supermarket to buy ingredients.
And I'm back at home trying out with the recepie I've found.
Besides, I wanted to try out how to handle with the oven we have at home.
Something that's in our kitchen, but I'm totally unfamiliar with.

I forgot to take pictures while I was preparing it. Only managed to take snapshots of after putting my dough in the oven.

Obviously my oven is not very powerful. My cookies look so pale! As if it got scared in the oven.

After cooling.. It looks a little darker though........

Anyway. This batch are not for eating. Its only for testing.
So the next thing I do, I put them back in.
And bake until they are black.
Just to get the hang of the oven.

After getting so confident about my handmade cookies.
And happy with my smart idea,
my plan was washed down the drain when bf came over to my house.
And found out that I was preparing cookies for him.

I was very sad.
Very emo.

The happy feeling that I want nf to be surprised that I'm able to make cookies, was not anymore achieveable.
I seldom, or even NEVER thought or mention about cooking or baking.
I wanted to surprise him that I'll be wanting to cook or bake something just for him.
But the surprise was gone.

I didn't want to give up making cookies for him.
I want him to eat cookies that I've made.
I want him to be able to tell me that they're nice.

So two days later,
I went to do my shopping again.
And I made cookies again.
This time, for eating.

Looks a little darker. Lets try out after baking...

Tadaa~ Looks more like cookies now. Yummy!

I'm shy to admit.
But I must and I'm proud to let everyone know that,
my cookies are a huge SUCCESS!
I've brought some of them to office, and my colleagues gave me good compliments.
It really builds up my confidence.
And I served it to my precious prince.
He seems to like it too.
But I hope he like it cuz it taste good, and not liking it just to give me "face".
Ultimately, I still have to find anything idea for valentine day.

Think think think.....
What should I do?

Ting!
Idea!
A mini photo album!

Of cuz, this time,
I wouldn't let him have the chance to dig any information out of me.
I have to prepare it discreetly!

But the week before valentine was a chaotic week for me.
Running around for interviews.
Meeting bf after interviews cuz I miss him. =)
And getting home late and tired,
and still has to send resumes to look for more opportunities for myself.

Nevertheless, I'm still able to get myself a day off from all the busy activities and look for present for him.

I was preparing to go out alone when Lun offered to acompanied me around to get my present.
Whereas, he's also searching for gifts for his gf too.
Poor Lun, followed me the entire day.

Eventually, I got all my materials and headed home.

Start of my masterpieces!

First, I start with the decoration of my paper for the background.

Then, draw and cut out similar circles of the paper.

Developed our photos out, and framed them up.

Decorate the top cover, and writing up our stories.....

Decorate it a bit more... Nice and Sweet. =)

The card, for my sexy boyfriend. hehe.. =P

The present that I've owed him long ago.

Its a letter opener.

Not something to kill with him. =)

It was a nice, thoughtful and sweet valentine day for both of us.

We met up only in the afternoon as both of us were very tired from preparing presents for each other.

Bf insisted to come over to pick me up.

Something which he have not done before.

My silly darling boy brought me flowers. =D

Our neoprints for valentine day.

Our valentine dinner at Jumbo at East Coast Park. =)

We ended our day at bf's friend's chalet.
Its a simple, yet wonderful valentine day, with effort from bf.
I could say, I've very contented with what I have around me.
Including my prince, my friends for many years, my family and my job.
Yes...
I've found a job recently, with the very bad economy now.
I'm considered very lucky.
And I want to do well.
And I shall try and give everything all my best.
For our future. =)

Signing off.
I love my prince. =)

Long time no update

2009-02-10T12:15:00.003+08:00

Looking at my previous post,
I realized that I have not been posting for almost a month.

Maybe its also a good thing?
That people would not be always reading your blog.
Somehow, I feel stress when people reads my blog.
Or telling me that I've not been blogging lately.
The more I hear that,
the more I'm reluctant to blog.
Or I had so much to say.
But I didn't have the time to sit in front of the computer just to blog.
Or by the time when I had the time,
I don't remembered what I want to write about previously.
That explains more or less why I'm not blogging.

Sudden emo feelings raised up lately.
Nah...
Its not about my relationship.
Its more about my future.
Looking for a secure job now is difficult.

Do I really wanna stick to accounts line?
Do I not want to go out of my comfort zone?
Do I not want to try out other jobs?
Do I have the ability to take up challenges along the way?
Am I contented with what I want?
Its a decision.
Now or never.
To decide on what path I wanna take.

Thinking back,
I made myself emo again of why I've not been studying well in the past.
Etc etc etc etc...

Yes, same old complains....
But its a regret in my life.
I don't want to live in regrets.
Therefore I'm afraid of making any new steps now.
I'm afraid that I would cause another misfortune to myself.

Recently...
I've felt so lonely..
As we age,
Do we not have a really good friend to share our thoughts? Our happiness? Our sadness? Our concerns? Our ups and downs?
Where's all my good friends?
Where's all my friends that I'm able to share my ups and downs?
Friends around me are just mere acquaintance.
Friends that are only able to share joys, not sorrows.
Friends that meet up for fun.
But not friends who meet up for serious matters or willing to give a listening ear.
They are not at all interested in each others personal life or feelings.
Or is it that, the more we age, the more we do not know how to open ourselves up?
We don't relate to one another as much as we do in the past.
Like we used when we are studying?
My number of friends shrinking.
Each and everyone of us,
being busy with our own personal life.

Signing off.

- Am I forgotten? -

2009-01-13T23:24:00.002+08:00

I can't help it but to feel lazy to begin blogging at all.
After days of craziness,
Craziness of not playing, but
Craziness of going out almost everyday when I have the time.
Craziness of spending my days unproductively.
Craziness of working myself so hard at work.
Craziness of having so much stress around me.
Craziness of not wanting to do anything at all.

Totally crazy.

I'm not even sure of what have I been doing for the past 2 to 3 weeks.
What have I done or what have I achieved.
All I've been doing was just getting around busily.

I've been totally lazy too.
Not feel like working at all.
Wanting to shed off any responsibilities at work,
just because its killing me with stress.
But on the other hand,
I could not as I'm all alone and I need to feed myself.

Certain things been weighing on my mind for quite some time.
Something I wanna write about.
So many random stuffs.
So many feelings.
So many thoughts.
So many views.

But I'd always forgot it when I actually have the time to blog.
Just like a bumble bee.
Getting busy with life.
But not knowing of what purpose am I busy with.

I'm aimless.
And I'm in my comfort zone.
This is no good.

Aimless = no direction in life.
I do have dreams.
So much dreams.
That I wished I'm a vampire just like Edward Cullen. (He's so hot!)
So that I'm able to live long enough to be able to fulfil my dreams.
But I'm aimless of what I want to do, or what I should be doing.
Like what's my future long term job,
what I wanna major in,
what I wanna focus on,
what I wanna do/achieve in 3 to 5 years time.
Only dreams, but no stable and achievable aims.

Thinking back, I think I had similar blog entries in my previous blogs.
This shows how aimless am I.
Aimless for the past 2 to 3 years!
And STILL aimless.
-.-

As for comfort zone,
hmmm... How shall I describe it....
Humans do not improve themselves when they are in their comfort zone.
Comfort zones varies for different people.
But the bottom line boils down to being comfortable with yourself in your life,
gradually unable to improve yourselves,
and might up up being lazy.
Currently, I'm in my comfort zone.
Therefore, that is why I had my own dreams.

To prevent ourselves from not being in our comfort zones,
we had to do things that we are not comfortable with.
Something that could improve ourselves,
yet we have not tried or never thought of doing it.

I shall skip the details for this.
Getting sleepier.

Have not been blogging for several days.
There's good and bad stuffs that happens.
I never post my current unhappy stuffs lately.
Because I don't see a point.
Stuffs are always ongoing.
Things happen today.
But situations will change tomorrow.
Unless its an issue that's already over, or else I would not whin.

Its late.
Time to sleep and shall start the battle at work again tomorrow!
Cheers!

Am I not appreciative?
Am I appreciated?
Am I too greedy?
Or am I giving too much?

Birthdays

2008-12-29T12:42:00.004+08:00

Time passes so quickly this year.
Or maybe it passes even more quickly for me for the last half of the year.

Just in the blink of eye,
I'm 21.

Just in the blink of eye,
my friends of my batch have already turned 21.

Just in the blink of eye,
so many things had happened to me.

Just in the blink of eye,
so many changes in my life compared to earlier this year.

Just in the blink of eye,
I've learnt so much, through happy and sad times.

Just in the blink of eye,
so many people come and go in my life.

Just in the blink of eye,
I've made so many decisions.

Just in the blink of eye,
year 2009 is coming and we are leaving away from year 2008.

After digging up some friends facebook,
I realized I wasn't tagged or given a copy of pictures taken at Weishan's 21st birthday.
Its okie~ I shall upload it here instead. =)

SiewTeng, Audrey, Weishan, Me, Shuquan -> the senior gang from jtss dance.

Audrey, Joel, Weishan, Me, Shuquan

Another picture from Audrey's birthday.

Me, Audrey, Shuquan with loads of present by the side!

Not forgetting Jinxing's birthday that had past recently.
But we did not take any picture.
I wonder why?
Had to tell her sorry for not being able to get a cake for her.
Cuz it would be horrifying for just four of us to finish a huge cake.
So we just spent the night with steamboat dinner and chilling out at Hard Rock cafe.
(I still prefer Wala Wala's live band best!)

Pictures I've taken from Jinxing's facebook:

Bf's face red due to the alcohol.. hee

Being mischievous not wanting to take picture together with bf.

Okie. We did have 1 nicely taken picture. =)

And also to update what I got for my christmas present from bf:

He's name is ZhunZhun! hee..

Isn't he cute? Love him lots! =)

Think I'll be bringing him out often.
So don't get shock if you see me carrying a bear around! =)

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T13:55:00.003+08:00

Its gonna be a very rubbish post.
Not really in the mood to blog.
But I didn't want to neglect my blog.
Just wanna add a new post in.
So here is it, talking about rubbish.

I had many thoughts.
Many things I wanna talk about.
But I've forgotten so much.
Maybe I'm overly stressed by other problems that I kept forgetting stuffs lately.
Nevermind.

I hate the feeling of having to stay home cuz of not having enough to spend.
I shall try to find some online movies to watch.
Since I have not done so for quite some time.

Emo aura is all around me once again.
I think I've changed.
I'm not thinking correctly, again.
I kinda miss chatting with ee khing about issues,
and he always had a simplified way to be able to look at issues,
thus being able to solve it in a easier way.
Anyone else able to do that for me?

Anyway.
Merry christmas to all my friends and families. =)

Motivate!

2008-12-20T15:34:00.002+08:00

I need to motivate myself to get my butt out of home.
I need to get materials.
But I'm a little lazy.
I love nua-ing at home.
I hate to go out when I'm low on funds.
I have to constantly thinking how to shop for cheaper stuffs.

Wait....
I suddenly remembered.
I've not gotten the present for Jinxing.
Hmmm......

Some issues have been in my mind lately.
Been thinking if I should convert to full-timer.
But my office is so far away.
I'll have to solve this issue myself.
1 more week for me to make my decision.

Surprise! =)

2008-12-14T21:45:00.003+08:00

I've gotten fever after going out with Ven last Wednesday.
Going in and out of almost every shopping centre in town.
Being expose to the air con and hot weather.
In shopping centre, COLD
Out of shopping centre, HOT
COLD, HOT.
COLD, HOT. COLD, HOT.
COLD, HOT. COLD, HOT. COLD, HOT.
But it was a fruitful trip down to orchard.
All worth myself falling sick. =)

Ven and me was walking around PS aimlessly.
I couldn't find what I want there.
So I suggested going to the arcade.
Looking at people around trying hard to catch chip in d arcade,
I was wondering if I should try to catch one for my bf.
He loves chip and dale.
Influence me la!

But I wasn't very confident.
I was always lucky for my other previous catches.
I don't know how other people were to be able to catch soft toy so easily from those machine.
I have no tactics at all,
and simply armed with lady luck by my side.
So I changed my mind and walk out of the arcade.

Walking around,
we was looking at miniature toys and chance upon this shop with lots of gacha machines.
Walking around the shop,
I spotted this machine with mini chip and dale hand phone strap.
Yes, I'm attracted to it. (influenced by my bf!)
There I was popping in $1 coins to try my luck.
And.....
TADAA!

I've got both chip and dale for just spending $6! WAHAA!
Simply overjoyed!

Chip.

and Dale.

How both of them should look like. Super cute right? =DD

Considering lady luck is really on my side,
I've decided to head back to the arcade to try my luck with the machine.
Hehehehehhehe.........
TADAA again....!

=) I've caught chip!

Happily hugging chip with me,
we head out of PS and walk around orchard.
The whole thing on my mind was,
if he's gonna be happy seeing all my catches.
Just pass all my catches to him yesterday.
He seems happy.
I'm relieve.
Cuz I'm afraid he's gonna scold me for spending money again.
=(
But I just want him to happy and know that I'm always thinking of him and think of how to make him happy. =)

Been to his house yesterday,
and stayed for the night.
Seen some of his photos and videos.
And saw that he changed his wallpaper to our picture.
So..........
From this:

I changed to this:

Same as his wallpaper. =)
Simply love having the same things as him..
Hee.
Don't say I childish ok? =P

Sick

2008-12-10T12:00:00.003+08:00

Armed with a box of Strepsils and tube of Robitussin, made my way to work in the morning, reluctantly.
Quickly snatched up a seat in the MRT and rest my eyes peacefully.
Only when I was nearly to paya lebar, I realized I forgot to bring my office keys.
Holy cow.
I'm stuck somewhere near to my workplace and nowhere near my house.
Not knowing if I should head home to take my keys.
If I were to head home, I'll be better off staying home instead since I'm not feeling too well.
Yet I wanted to work.
So short of money lately.
How ironic.

I ended going home since its no point working for half a day.
And also spending extra travel fee to and fro from work.
And my laziness overtake my brain,
controlling my brain to head home.

Now, here am I.
Wondering what to do later.
Or if I should head town to get materials for present?
Dilemma between what to do.....

Was waiting for LiHui's sms if she's able to meet up.
But she's going out with her bf, for their 6th month anniversary.

And just in time,
Ven will be going to town for an interview.
Just nice, someone to accompany me to town and for lunch.
Thanks Ven.
=)

My exams are over.
My gaming itch is back again.
Wondering if I should go back to play Granado Espada?
But all my items and money are all gone.
Raided by my old guild.
Shall download and decide later.

Yes I'm sick again.
Sigh.........
I've been nagging people around me to take care of themselves.
Drink more water, get good rest and sleep, eat well, take care...
And yet I'm always the one falling sick instead.
Having cough and sore throat.
I shall try to drink more water and pray hard that I'll recover by Saturday.

Photofunia

2008-12-09T23:23:00.006+08:00

A lack of posts due to my exams.
Although I've not been updating much on my blog,
it doesn't mean I didn't touch my computer at all.
Yes, I'm guilty.
Been going online,
msn, friendster, facebook, surf web, listen to songs,
I'm guilty of all the above.
Minimizing my time to study.
Let's not talk about my exams anymore.
I'd better be prepared to see a FAIL when my results are sent over.

Was super down all the way to meet my bf.
To add on that I'm feeling kinda unwell.
Maybe its the bad weather.
Maybe I'm not drinking enough water.
Maybe I'm eating too much heaty stuff.
Maybe I've not been resting well lately.
Maybe I'm over-stressed.
Maybe..........

Two important things to let my dear know:
1. Thank you. For caring so much for me. And even wanna think of ways to cheer me up. Super thanks for giving me a surprise by popping up after my exams, way down to Bishan.
2. Sorry. For making you worry so much for me. And you have to put in so much effort to cheer me up.

A couple of days ago,
I've got to know of this Photofunia website where you could have fun photo effects with our own pictures.
Out of boredom and curiosity,
I've start digging my own older photos and begin my fun exploration:

Picture of me when my good-old webcam is still workable.

Pictures of me 2 years ago.

Tried with my bf's picture.

Best friends' pictures:

Don't both of the pictures look weird? Maybe I should edit my own pictures to a Sepia finish instead, before applying the effect.

The picture looks too sharp for the effect of an old ah ma looking at old photos.

Ahhh.. Looks better. Cuz my original picture was a bit blurred. So it has the effect of a worn-out feeling. One of my favourite.

My bf & me:

This looks so wrong. It looks as if that guy is hunting for us. Like an assassin.

Both of it still don't look right.

On the headlines!

This looks fake.

Wrong.. XXXXXXX

My favourite. Looks as if its a book of our story. Our love story.

The rest of the effects, can be found at http://www.photofunia.com/.

Don't emo please.

2008-12-05T17:09:00.004+08:00

After reading recent entries posted by jx, plus her emo and sad background music,
I can't help but to feel sad and emo too.
I'm a very emotional person ok.

Sometimes,
looking back,
I actually know that I'm a very fortunate person.
For example comparing my family to Crystal's & JX's.
Somehow, my problems are not as big as them.
My problems can be solved.
I've always able to meet the correct people to help me in my life.
I have great friends around me too.
Maybe I've been a very good person my past life.

Somehow I wonder,
why humans can't be contented with what they have?

When I was young,
I used to compare with people with better stuffs,
better family backgrounds.
And my mum taught me to compare myself with people who are less fortunate than me.
Why must we compare with people who are so much better than us?
And neglect the fact that there's much more people who needs help, care and concern, not only from their own family, but also from strangers.
There's so many people out there that is even struggling to survive.

Girl, don't emo ok?
Feeling emo today, will pass on and affect every other days.
Somehow, we have the same thinking.
Of knowing that we are being made used of,
but still wants to treat people around us nicely.

ARGH!
Just hate it when my friends feel emo over not being appreciated.

Christmas is just around the corner.
I have invites for different gathering for Christmas eve.
It was tempting.
But I've decided!
I want to spend my christmas eve with jx.
Its her 21st birthday!
Whole lifetime only once.
Besides, I've always been accompanying her for her birthday for the past few years.
Birthday are not to be celebrated without close friends.
Unless she don't consider me as her close friend ;)
Hope she's able to get her leave on that day.
*praying hard for her*

Misses.

2008-12-04T16:16:00.000+08:00

I know I need to study.
But I couldn't help missing my prince.
So there am I,
hopping out to meet him in the night.

Couldn't stop myself from smiling and giggling from the sight of him.
Hehehehehehehe...
He's just so cute and I got to meet him during the weekdays!
We promised not to meet up during this week,
so as to allow me to study well for my coming exams on Monday.
But we just simpily couldn't help but kept missing each other.

My dear brought me to Billy Bomber for dinner at Marina Square,
the exact place where we first met.
So expensive can.
If I remembered correctly,
he treated for the dinner when we've met for the first time too.
I snatched the bill over to see that its over $60+
Heart pain for him.
=(
I shall try to get him to eat cheaper food in future.
Can't let him continue to overspend on food always.

I just woke up, half an hour ago.
Yes, I know.
Its noon.
I'm lazy till this late of the day.
Yawn.
The good of being able to stay at home and not work.
Good life.
But the bad of not having any income.
Miserable life.

Visited my facebook and done a quiz.

Your birthday means that you love the outdoors and camping.

Your most active time is during the afternoon, and your best colors are green and brown. You are very grounded and stable, and like having a sense of security. You are also very family oriented. You enjoy food, whether it's cooking, dining out, or just ordering a pizza. You make a very good friend, and you never let people down.

Xmas gifts?

2008-12-02T13:14:00.000+08:00

I need some help.
I need to start thinking of gifts to get.
With just a miserable amount of pay from my last month's work,
I can barely survive with.
Let alone thinking of what to get for anyone.
But I had to. =(
Its a month of celebrations!

Expenses for Dec:
1. Travel fee for the whole month.
2. Gift for xmas
3. Audrey's birthday gift
4. Jinxing's birthday gift
5. Andy's christmas gift
6. 2nd month gift
7. Food & beverages expenses
8. 4e3 class outing expenses
9. Christmas eve celebration expenses
10. New years eve celebration expenses

Oh. I need help.
I'm having headache.
Can I stay home for the whole month and not go out?
I'm gonna declare myself bankrupt.

IT show @ Expo

2008-12-01T15:13:00.000+08:00

Woke up late due to the tired night I've had the day before.
Decided to head down to IT show at Expo in the afternoon.
On top of the IT show, there's also some car roadshow going on there.
Its like a human show instead of an IT show.
Infested with humans of all ages and race.
Squeezing through the crowd, dear and me was super hungry and tired from all the squeezing.
Ultimately, we went to the Changi Airport instead.
Didn't manage to get anything from the IT show.

It was my 3rd time at Changi Airport.
I love exploring places I've not been to.
Or places that I seldom go to.
Well, at least there's something to do in Singapore.

Ate Burger King and headed to Tampines Mall for a walk.
The last time I went there was when I'm still in ITE?
Flooded with people as well.
Everyone is shopping for christmas presents.
Congesting the whole mall.

Christmas is drawing near. I'm not even ready to have any inspirations to get anything yet.
My brain is dead. =(